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099: Personal boundaries for manageable life admin
2.7k Plays3 months ago
In this episode, Mia and Dinah explain what personal boundaries are and why having rigid or porous boundaries can result in too much of a life admin workload. They talk about how to set healthy boundaries with others so you can prevent resentment and burnout if your life admin load is too high.
For the full show notes, head to Life Admin Life Hacks.
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Transcript
Introduction to Life Admin Life Hacks
00:00:00
Speaker
This is Life Admin Life Hacks, a podcast that gives you techniques, tips, and tools to tackle your life admin more efficiently, save your time, your money, and improve your household harm. I'm Diana Roberts, an operations manager who had a bit of an aha moment when I first learned about boundaries and people pleasing. I'm Mia Northrop, a researcher and writer who is entirely comfortable saying no. I was surprised to realize that's because my boundaries tend to fall on the rigid side and I need more Brene Brown in my mind. Hello and welcome to Life Admin Life Hacks.
00:00:36
Speaker
Before we get into it, we want to say thanks to our listeners in Norway, Germany, Ireland, and South Africa, where we've been charting recently. Please leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you're listening to us to help other frazzled souls where you live find some resources that help them level up their life admin.
The Importance of Boundaries in Life Admin
00:00:57
Speaker
Greetings to you all. In this episode, we'll talk about what boundaries are and why they're important to life admin, how to go about setting boundaries and the importance of learning how to say no.
00:01:09
Speaker
yeah So, you know, we often hear that we need to set better boundaries. However, and I was definitely one of these people, many of us feel unsure about what boundaries actually are and how to implement them in our relationships. So we thought, let's unpack this buzzword to see what it actually means to be mindful of our boundaries and how we can intentionally use them. So we're going to look at why saying no can be so hard and how you build this muscle. you know We are all about life admin, but boundaries are actually really important when it comes to life admin because having strong boundaries helps you really define your role and responsibilities, particularly in a relationship. Manage our expectations of ourselves, communicate our needs, and feel safe and secure and supported in relationships. Yeah, so ultimately,
00:02:03
Speaker
You know, having healthy boundaries are going to help us avoid having an unfair and overwhelming workload. And they also help us be mindful of critical self-talk and what you internalize from other people. So the idea here is that you can avoid overwhelming chaos.
00:02:18
Speaker
because you don't take on too much and get swept up in other people's problems, which can happen a lot when it comes to life admin. So Mia, to kick us off, do you want to just talk through what boundaries actually are? Yeah. So a good way to think about boundaries is that they are the imaginary lines that separate us from other people.
00:02:38
Speaker
So our boundaries outline how others can treat us, how we can treat ourselves and what is acceptable to us, what we will not tolerate. And I used to think of it as this like invisible circle around me. like a perimeter, like a cone of silence kind of. This is my boundaries. And there are different types of boundaries. We'll talk about them. But when your boundaries are violated to when someone steps across your imaginary line, it keeps you separate and keeps you feeling safe.
Examples of Boundaries in Everyday Life
00:03:09
Speaker
Often, these kinds of boundary issues can be disguised as conflict with other people. Or you might think I have trouble with time management, or I have I don't have enough self care.
00:03:22
Speaker
And you kind of think that these are things that are issues with you, but often this is actually signs that you, you need more flexible or more rigid boundaries depending on where you are. Cause you know, if you've got really well to find boundaries, they improve interpersonal relationships, all of your interpersonal relationships. So, but I do think that families are often the area where it's the most challenging to set boundaries in.
00:03:48
Speaker
Yeah. So let's get some examples of people like, give me a tangible thing I can hang on to. So let's talk about physical boundaries. So these are boundaries around, you know, touch and personal space. Who can touch you and where can they touch you and how much personal space you need. So if we remember back in COVID days, we all had that two meter bubble or, you know, depending on where you lived, it was like two meters social distancing. And if people came in with that, they're kind of,
00:04:15
Speaker
in your space and go crossing your boundary. And you might not have cared in the past if people came close to you, but during that time it was like, oh, you're in my bubble, get out of my bubble. When you're on public transport, you know, there's a different sense of a physical boundary of how, how close people can stand to you without getting too close.
00:04:34
Speaker
For those of us who've had babies and have had pregnant bellies, we all probably had our boundaries violated when randos would just touch your belly. I've had people just touch my hair because they're like, you know, the curls and they just go and grab my hair. I'm like, why is your hand in my hair? It's gross. There are examples of physical boundaries. Something that we do talk about with kids is the physical boundaries and who's allowed to touch you and consent and all that kind of thing. So that's an example of a boundary. Yeah, another type is property. So these are like the things we own or claim as ours. So example like might be say your car. So you might allow your
00:05:18
Speaker
partner to use your car, but only if they ask first or you might allow, you know, be much more flexible about who you would allow to drive your your car if you've got kind of a different set of boundaries. But another really good example is, this is a common one in offices like your office chair.
00:05:38
Speaker
you don't own it, but some people can get quite upset if someone sits in their chair or like moves like the height or the armrest or things like that. So like that's a really interesting example of where people have different boundaries around property. Oh, there's definitely times when I've worked in offices and it's like, she's moved my chair, where's my chair? It's like,
00:05:58
Speaker
It's not actually. And another one that came up in our family recently was drink bottle sharing. So my daughter at school, there was someone who one of her classmates would just drink from her drink bottle. And I was like, yeah, that is weird. That is some interesting boundary pushing there. That's a totally reasonable boundary to have that someone doesn't just swig from your drink bottle.
Recognizing and Communicating Boundaries
00:06:20
Speaker
So another type of boundaries is emotional boundaries. So this is like how you want to feel and how others around us feel. This is about respecting and caring for ourselves and and others. Yeah. And I think what's key here is that this idea that everyone's emotions are their own responsibility. So it's that idea that just because someone else is angry in the household doesn't mean you have to get angry on their behalf and take on your, their emotion.
00:06:49
Speaker
if you have sort of weak boundaries that can happen. Another example is financial boundaries. So you might have a discussion in your household ah with your partner if you have a partner about how you'll share money and how you make decisions on what to purchase and how much you're allowed to spend without checking in with the other person so that you don't, you know, get a ping on your phone because someone's bought something for $8,000 and you had no idea it was happening.
00:07:15
Speaker
Those are an idea where your your financial boundaries might be getting crossed. And there's also other types of boundaries like sexual boundaries, intellectual boundaries, spiritual boundaries, kind of work boundaries. So, you know, they give you an idea of what we're talking about when we're actually talking about what boundaries are. Yeah. OK, so, you know, we have these different ways of having boundaries, whether it's financial, whether it's emotional, whether it's physical. And those boundaries can be flexible.
00:07:43
Speaker
When they're flexible, they flex and change as you do. That means that, so as I said, like for the physical one, when you're in public transport, someone can stand quite close to you and that's okay. But if you were in the office and someone came and stood that close to you or you were in the supermarket and someone just came in and stood that close to you, you'd be like, oh, that is what's happening. They can change in the situation that you're at. But there's basically two, think of a line, think of a spectrum, or is it a continuum? I never know whether it's a continuum. spectrum. Looking at the team at one end, you have rigid boundaries. So people have really rigid boundaries, often avoid forming close relationships. They can be quite detached in relationships and friendships. They kind of keep a distance between themselves and other people. And often this comes from a place of feeling like they don't need anyone and they can do everything themselves. They might have quite strict rules and high expectations.
00:08:40
Speaker
in In life admin land, if you have rigid boundaries, you are doing everything because you feel like you you know you don't you and want to ask for help. You're not perhaps being as vulnerable when you really feel like, you know, I can do it all.
00:08:53
Speaker
So this is kind of people who are like, that's a hard no. And, you know, some, some boundaries should be rigid if they defend your safety or their, you know, it's about your core values. Sometimes when we experience trauma, we tend to have more rigid boundaries and that kind of protects us, but sometimes it can be distancing from other people. The other end of the continuum are permeable boundaries. So, you know, permeable, think, you know, this is porous. Everything can get through these boundaries.
00:09:22
Speaker
And this really means other people are defining what your boundaries are. So people who have permeable boundaries overshare. They share way too much personal information with others. Often people they've just met, you know, if you met someone and they tell you your halt their whole life story and all the gory details, they have pretty permeable boundaries. They often have a hard time saying no to friends and family and coworkers. So it might be more sort of the people pleasing mode.
00:09:50
Speaker
It's been a lot of energy trying to please other people. They can also get unnecessarily caught up in other people's problems. Like like it meshed in other people's emotions and other people's drama. They might have other people making decisions for them. They might accept quite disrespectful and abusive behavior. And they can also support unhealthy habits that keep people codependent. So I guess the ideal is to be somewhere in the middle there.
00:10:16
Speaker
and we'll have rigid and more permeable boundaries in in healthy situations. Yeah, so I think the idea is really to have boundaries that are adjusted so that we can protect ourselves, but also experience growth. So, yeah, there's kind of flexible to give us a space to compromise, which can lead to improve relationships, but you know we're not letting go completely of what's important to us and our values. Yeah.
00:10:44
Speaker
And so what's important is to identify signs of, of when a boundary is being crossed. And often it comes up in this personal sense of discomfort and it can be quite physiological. It can be a feeling in your body or it could be a thought or an emotion. And that's often how you kind of identify, ooh, boundary violation going on. Often we will find ourselves on autopilot kind of going through the motions every day and realize,
00:11:11
Speaker
Some of the stress or the frustration that's happening is because our boundaries are being crossed. So these are some things to think, to tune into, to being mindful about, because it might be signaling that something's not quite right. Anytime you feel really uncomfortable, times when you feel guilty or overloaded, times when you feel obligated to please somebody else or you feel unsafe,
00:11:37
Speaker
Times when you feel like your needs are being dismissed by other people and you're starting to feel resentful. A classic is a situation where you feel like you need to escape or disappear. Times when you feel furious, anger's a great sign of a boundary being crossed, often it's a sense of injustice. When you feel anxious, when you feel the need to avoid somebody in case they ask you for something,
00:12:03
Speaker
ah could be a sign that there might be a permeable boundary there because you find it very hard to say no anytime that you feel dread. So if you can be mindful to these these dynamics that are going on it can help you switch out of autopilot and think okay what needs to change here? What line do I need to draw? So I don't feel this way. Yeah. And I think you can also have kind of body based reactions. It's not just how you feel, but you might also have like those real physical reactions, like a racing heart. So those sort of anxiety type symptoms, shortness of breath, you might have like tense muscles or, you know, find it difficult to get to sleep or, you know, have sort of stomach upset. So all of those might be body based reactions that you might have to kind of that boundary crossing going on in your life. Yeah.
00:12:51
Speaker
Oh yeah, absolutely. When you're constantly dealing with situations where you're feeling uncomfortable, they're very draining and it does sap that emotional energy. Is it Gabor Marte? His latest book talks about this. People who are people pleasers, sort of chronic people pleasers often have more autoimmune conditions. And it is the body sort of keeping the score, I guess, of all of this, all of the the resentment, the dread, the anxiety that might be happening from having these sort of boundary violations and and getting enmeshed with people and people pleasing. So kind of to avoid all of this kind of stuff, what you actually need to do is to set and communicate boundaries because that really allows us to minimise all of this drain and conserve your emotional energy. Yeah, absolutely.
00:13:39
Speaker
And I think, you know, it can be quite confusing about how to set healthy boundaries. You know, there's lots of challenges around setting them. It's not just a matter of, oh, well, now I've recognized that. I'll just, you know, work out how I would like things to be and go and have a conversation with the person. So sometimes you haven't set a healthy boundary because one, you didn't diagnose the challenge as an actual boundary issue. You didn't really, you knew something was up.
00:14:05
Speaker
didn't feel great, didn't know what to do about it and now you're like oh it's a boundary issue. Sometimes you're disconnected from the feelings and you're not sure what your limit actually is. You're kind of like I don't like this but I'm not sure where I stand or you might not be sure how to articulate it. Often people who are very agreeable or have low self-esteem can have challenges with setting boundaries and especially if you've you know had relationships We've grown up in households where your boundaries have been disrespected previously. It can be hard to to build this muscle and reinforcing, depending on different people's childhoods and and how their boundaries were respected as kids, whether they had sort of any personal rights in the household. Sometimes it can be hard for those people to assert boundaries as adults. Yeah. And I think if you've grown up where, you know,
00:14:56
Speaker
There wasn't that kind of communication and where cross boundaries were kind of just accepted. yeah It makes it really hard to know what good looks like, if if that makes sense. And what a healthy boundary looks like. Yeah. I will have a link to the show notes. It's an amazing book. There's a couple of amazing books on these. One is Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Toab. It's sort of a bit of a Bible when it comes to boundaries. And Diana, you also found an amazing resource.
00:15:24
Speaker
Yes. There's this great book by actually an author based in Queensland. Her name's Dr. Rebecca Ray and her book is called Setting Boundaries. It says, care for yourself and stop being controlled by others. She's great. And there's also another great resource, Hayley Page. She's just written, and I'll put her in the show notes. She's just read a book about stop people pleasing, which I found really useful too.
00:15:48
Speaker
All right, so what are healthy boundaries look like? Basically, listening to your own opinion, sharing with others appropriately, having a healthy vulnerability with people who've earned your trust, being comfortable saying no, and being comfortable with hearing no without taking it personally and like spiraling into a ah big story. So, Mia, how do you go about actually setting these boundaries? Like, what do you do?
00:16:13
Speaker
So first of all, I think the first thing to think about is it's much easier to put boundaries in place at the beginning of a relationship rather than enforcing them in retrospect. So, you know, this happens in the workplace. Like if you start a new job or maybe you're on a new project with people or you're starting a new relationship, feel like a romantic relationship, or you've got kids, teachers, or, you know, a cleaner or a dog walker, whatever.
Tips for Setting and Enforcing Boundaries
00:16:40
Speaker
If they do something that crosses a boundary,
00:16:43
Speaker
It's ideal to just nip it in the bud before it becomes a thing and it's gone on for so long that it feels weird to circle back and like address it. So you think about that. But what you need to do, identify areas where you're feeling these feelings or the physical triggers of boundary violation. You know, where are you exhausted? What's making you resentful or angry? And then the second step is to reflect on, well, what does your boundary actually need to be? What is the limit?
00:17:09
Speaker
you got to tune into your gut here and think about, you know, what do you not want to hear or see or do, or what do you want to have happen? So for example, you might think, I keep coming back to the office chair scenario. um if if If you're like, this is my chair. I can't stand it. This is making me really cross. What is my limit? Are people allowed to borrow it? Are they going to put it? Are you going to communicate it? How are you going to communicate it or say no? You just can put your name on a sticky note and put it on the back of the chair.
00:17:39
Speaker
And just with people come and grab it, you can say, yes, you can take it, but please bring it back when you're done. Like that is setting a boundary. So you want to learn how you can communicate it effectively. Just say yeah this is the problem or this is what my needs are here and how you would prefer the other person to act and then enforce it. So if someone takes the chair and doesn't bring it back, you can say,
00:18:04
Speaker
go and get it and like, I don't mind using it, but can you please bring it back afterwards? Cause I've got my settings just so, and that'd be really helpful. Thank you. And then actually enforce it ah on on the home front. When I've run this session with coaching groups, we've talked about the example of people who have a shoes off household.
00:18:25
Speaker
where when you get to their house, they're like, can you take your shoes off? And what does it look like if someone crosses that boundary? So, you know, someone might come to your house and you're like, this is a shoes off house. And they're like, I'm only gonna be here for 10 minutes. I'm not taking my shoes off for 10 minutes. Or they might say, but you have dogs. The dogs are wandering around. What's the point? Like it's not, you know, they go down some whole germ rabbit hole. Or, you know, they might say, I'm not gonna say who said this,
00:18:55
Speaker
I'm too old to bend down and take my shoes off. I'm just going to be here 20 minutes and I'm not taking off my shoes. So these are examples of people not sort of respecting your boundaries. And you can decide, okay, if I was going to set this boundary, how am I communicating this? How are you going to ask the person to behave instead? And how are you going to enforce it? How are you going to bring it up and say, look, I'd really prefer if you take your shoes off in my house, you know, I'll help you, whatever, you know, whatever it's going to take to help get them across the line.
00:19:24
Speaker
One of the things I've really struggled with is kind of feeling the need to explain why my boundary is that. And actually there's, you know, I have rights and I don't actually need to explain to people what my preferences and needs are. You know, I can say I'm comfortable with this or, you know, I prefer to do that. And I don't have to explain to anyone why, you know, it's really healthy to actually be able to just say that and to not actually feel the need to explain or to justify yourself. Yeah.
00:19:56
Speaker
It's that whole no is a complete sentence thing, isn't it? And so I think having the language to be able but to state what you want without going into massive descriptions is helpful. So it might be, you know, I'd like to X. I'd prefer to X works for me. I'm comfortable with blah. This is what's best for me. Or it might be more of the I expect you to blah or next time you blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:20:24
Speaker
And have a think about what, you know, have these phrases ready. We might put some of them in the show notes, actually, because these once you have these in your vocab. it comes out a lot more naturally and sounds less contrived. Practice saying it confidently and respectfully. And I think when it comes to things like life admin, it is really about communicating your expectations with your partner and explaining this is what I expect you to do, you know particularly if you've you know established life admin systems and things. That's where really communicating these boundaries about what your expectations are is really helpful. Yeah.
00:21:03
Speaker
So let's talk about saying no, because for some people saying no it is just packed with guilt. It might be because you're afraid of disappointing someone. You might be thinking you can let someone down or, you know, you'll make someone feel mad or it feels mean or it feels selfish.
00:21:18
Speaker
And sometimes that that comes from childhood where you might have grown up in a house where you know you have to be polite and forthcoming and you always said yes. And if you said no, it was interpreted as some kind of, you know, misbehavioral backtalk or. back talk or You want to get punished for saying thinking about scenarios where you'd greet some distant relative or some family friend and and be like, go and give them a hug. And be like, I don't want to give them a hug. And they make you give a hug. or If they didn't give a hug, they'd tell you off afterwards. That was so rude that you wouldn't hug so and so. That is a classic example of a physical boundary or a violation right there.
00:21:58
Speaker
For me like it definitely came from kind of this place of people pleasing and so that kind of learning a bit about that's really been helpful for me so ah you know this people pleasing is really about our need to belong and being afraid to disappoint others or to you know create any conflict and you know really wanting to keep the peace and so that's kind of why I used to find it really hard to say no to lots of things Yeah. And so learning how to say no is important for our wellbeing and also because we have limited time and energy, like they they're precious resources. So we can't we can't say yes to everything. We can't do everything. So we need to be able to say no.
00:22:39
Speaker
And so, Diane, I have a question for you do you. What's harder for you? Saying no to a request for help, like when someone's asked you to help with something or saying no to an invitation to a social event or I can offer a free stuff. You know, when you're in a mall and someone's like, would you like this free tote bag? Well, I'm very good at saying no to that. I'm really bad at saying no when someone asks for help.
00:23:04
Speaker
and particularly if it's, you know, a close friend, I am a sucker for helping putting people out, even when it really doesn't suit me. So that's something I'm sort of learning to really, to recognize that it is really important to help people. And I guess I'm known for helping people, but sometimes I need to you know recognize my own, how much I've taken on in my life and my own wellbeing and when that tips me over the edge. Yeah. So I'm going to read out some examples here and listeners as you're listening to these I want you to think about oh yeah that is something that I'd really struggle to say no to or whether you'd find it easy. So if someone said can you come to this fundraiser with me or would you mind driving me to the airport on Sunday?
00:23:50
Speaker
Or how about we have a barbecue at your place next Saturday? Or can you help me talk some sense into so-and-so? Or we're expecting you to spend Christmas with us this year. There's a lot of people like, oh my God, my in-laws are going to be doing this again. I need to say no. Yeah. Or that, you know, might be, can I drop my dog off at your place this weekend while I'm away? It's harder to say no to those requests for help or when someone's giving you a task.
00:24:20
Speaker
Some of us are like va up really hard to say no to social invitations, even though they might feel like, oh, this is feeling like an obligation and I'd really much rather say no. You know, we've talked a lot about how to say no, and I guess it's worth circling back to why saying no is so important because, you know, the whole root of self-care is setting boundaries and making sure that your load is manageable. Yeah. And I want to talk about this because it's it's a hard thing to learn to do.
00:24:49
Speaker
So why is it important? One, you're going to be able to achieve your own goals, the things you want to do, if you actually have time and space to do them, because you're not running around after other people. So if you have projects or goals that are going unachieved and it's frustrating you to think about, is that because I'm spreading myself too thin, fulfilling the the needs of other people, and I have to be a bit more assertive to say no, because I need to spend time doing my own thing.
00:25:19
Speaker
I think another really important reason is so that you can remain productive because the reality is you need to have some downtime, otherwise you get burnt out. So making sure that you give yourself the right amount of downtime, you can't overcommit yourself to doing too many things.
Reflecting on Personal Boundaries and Conclusion
00:25:36
Speaker
Yeah, you really want to be able to have some time to do self-care. And the other reason why saying no is important is because it it does build and maintain more healthy, sustainable relationships.
00:25:46
Speaker
You don't want relationships where there is that dread or that resentment or that frustration or that anxiety. You want relationships where things will fare. It's going to be much more nurturing. And sometimes saying no can empower another person to step up. So, you know, if you, instead of enabling them, if you're like, no, sorry, I can't drive you to the airport, then they might take the responsibility or make some better choices instead of.
00:26:12
Speaker
scheduling flights for 4am on a Sunday morning. It's like, you know, they're going to stop. It's one of those behaves that they keep doing. It might not stop. They might not make better choices until you like, you know what? No, I'm done here. So some questions you can ask yourself if you want to decide if it's a no or things like, do I have time for this? Do I have the energy for this?
00:26:36
Speaker
you know, what makes saying no important to me? Am I being used? Does saying no to this mean I can say yes to something else that's more important to me? That's a really one that's really helped me in terms of prioritizing what's important. Yeah. And sometimes it's just about, you know, is something wanting to change, to turn it into a yes? It might be a no in the current form, but if if if this happened, would it then be a yes?
00:27:01
Speaker
Sometimes it it could be that kind of approach. Again, this is something where having some vocabulary, having the words easily in your mouth makes it easier, whether it's just a no or a no thanks, or a wish I were able to, but no, or I'd run the notch. There are a lot of ways to say no that sound really polite and are totally reasonable and nice. So you can say, I have another commitment or that doesn't work for me. Or, you know, I'm not taking you on new things right now, or thanks for thinking of me, but no thanks.
00:27:32
Speaker
My step-sister is great at saying no, actually. I'm often trying to foist away if I'm decluttering and I'm foisting things. I'm like, do you want this? And he's like, thanks for thinking of me, but no thanks. yeah I think she just copies and pastes it. I love it. And sometimes it's about, you know, sometimes people will put you on the spot and you need some, you've got to collect yourself. You can either, you're either uncomfortable in the moment saying no, because you feel on the spot and you need to give yourself more time to respond in a more regulated, emotional like emotionally regulated way, in a measured response. Or sometimes you actually just not sure it's just a yes or a no for me. And so you want that you want again, the perfect little phrase to delay the response. And if that's the, let me get back to you on that or let me mull it over or I'll circle back. I'll let you know. I just have to think about that.
00:28:28
Speaker
those kinds of phrases having them ready on the tip of the tongue can also be helpful. It is really important when you do actually decide to deliver the no, that you again do it with clarity. You don't, you know, feel like you need to have long explanations because that really dilutes the kind of power of saying no. I mean, it doesn't mean don't be kind or you know gracious or you know disrespectful. Also don't lie, tell the truth because if you lie it leads to guilt and anxiety and you know can cause more problems than actually anything else. Yeah absolutely. Those moments where you're tempted to lie, that's when you do the let me think about that and get back to you. That's where that needs to come out because often you do the lie because you put on the spot and you're just trying to wiggle out of the situation as fast as you can.
00:29:16
Speaker
Yeah, I use my partner a lot as an excuse for that one. I'm just going to need to check before, even though I really don't. So that's it. That is kind of a a white lie, isn't it, in terms of it gives me some time to kind of reconvene. So hopefully this episode's really helped you understand a bit more about what boundaries are and how to say no. Our top hacks are to take a boundaries quiz and find out if your boundaries are rigid or flexible in between Tune into your body's responses that signal there's a boundary there that's being crossed and practice saying no or delaying your response when you're put on the spot in a tricky situation.
00:29:56
Speaker
Thanks for listening. Show notes for this episode are available at lifeagminlifehacks.com. And if you're a fan, please subscribe and share the love and tell a friend or review us in your podcasting app. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.